Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
DOOO EEEET
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Risking my life for fun.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]