Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
jesus christ confetti not now
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?