@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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@PimpBillClinton: Last night I finally slept with a woman who has a Coke bottle figure. Unfortunately, she was a 3 liter.
@eliserose5: If you are older than 17 and have mad love for Justin Bieber ,you are the reason whales are the most intelligent species.
@NicestHippo: WIFE: I can't take it anymore. Your incorrect use of idioms is tearing us apart! ME [taking her hand]: Cat got your tongue?
@TheCiscoKidder: I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.