@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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@PJTLynch: "Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?" Wife: "Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?" "...Yes" *wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
@merican_ninjy: I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
@stockejock: Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
@mrtruthandsoul: Me: ... Dog: ... Me: ... Dog: ... Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: .. Me: .. Dog: .. Me: ... Dog: ... (Women, take note *ahem* Man's best friend)