@WilliamAder: Do those "selfie sticks" retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
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@LisaMcAlister1: Instead of saying, "YOLO", try saying, "Carpe Diem". You won't sound like a douche andddd, you won't sound like a douche.
@ch000ch: hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped "stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name" oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
@AnkCoupleTO: Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
@SteveSuckington: [blind date] "I'm like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex" -did you just read that off your hand? "Hey! You're not blind!"