‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
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[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Donating blood today to make room for more food
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.