You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak