“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
how high up are we talkin’?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Me when my alarm goes off
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.