“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me