“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
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