“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
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the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.