Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?