@TheBigBatman: Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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@AndyAsAdjective: I now feel I've watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I'll be able to successfully make it in prison.
@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
@BetteMidler: Congratulations to Janet Jackson for having a baby at age 50! When I was 50, I wasn’t even strong enough to push a child out of my way.
@iamburtjarvis: me [sneezes]: excuse me. guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.