Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd