“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I don’t make the rules sorry
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb