I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
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*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up