Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom