She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
🤭😂
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Home is where your toilet is.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough