Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
the red hot silly peppers
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.