Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
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Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
A drum solo but on your face.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too