(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
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I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
pelicons
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.