do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
knights of the ikea table
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.