*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.