“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Milk Cube
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.