“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
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If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Risking my life for fun.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW