do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.