do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
You Might Also Like
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
A great tip. #CakeRex
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this