[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
You Might Also Like
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”