Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”