Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
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My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
<—- homeless romantic
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no