Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.