You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
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(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.