Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.