“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
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Nice try, poison.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO