“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
More like Kate Missington.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Only a mother’s love …
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”