Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
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*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
SF is the wild wild west man
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Am I having a stroke?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*