“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
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[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
tis the season
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.