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Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
lmao
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”