NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
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Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
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my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.