im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT