That’s what I call a flat tire
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i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.