Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*