my one true gender
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
😍😂🥰😂😍
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.