“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”