“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
You Might Also Like
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there