@Humor_Fetish: "Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight...? You're so radical!" How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
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@Parentpains: Sorry I can't attend your Facebook event, I'll be busy throwing myself off a cliff that day.
@Wakenbake77: I'm not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn't looking, I can turn water into Sprite.
@QwertyJones3: Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? "No thanks." Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... "WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"
@ItsAndyRyan: The English language lacks a word to mean "To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them".