“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.