“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My last name is Zilla.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
☺️
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.