Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.