My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases