Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
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R.I.P.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”