Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again