Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
You Might Also Like
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.