Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.