[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The A string on my guit_r is flat
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.