My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
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Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.